What Love Is ..

"Love is Sharing                                                                     

  Believe me when I say that this is one of the most important ingredients of love. I want someone I can open my heart to. Share with them my happiness, my sorrows, my fears, my everything. As long as I feel like I can keep my heart clear. Love is being honest and knowing the other person feels the same way I do. To be able to share and know that the one person on the other side will NEVER be judgmental. That’s love.

Love is Talking

Yes, love is talking. It is about speaking, telling and sharing. Talking can help solve matters that otherwise might lead to misunderstandings. Another aspect of that is listening. Talking to someone I love is useless if the other person is not listening. When someone I care about talks to me I genuinely listen. I need my other to be able to do the same. To really listen to me, to really care. To TRY to understand. And when I say talking I mean having genuine conversation IN PERSON. Technology is a big no in relationships . I want someone I can feel comfortable telling them the most uncomfortable things in my life . Technology has killed relationships because instead of coming to your other, people nowadays post their feelings on a social media.I cannot stand that. I also firmly believe there should be NO arguments done through messaging . Its just immature and childish to argue through a text. I am going to start trying really hard not to argue over a message any longer. If a couple has a problem with something, address it in person. No need in getting angry over a one word text like K or whatever. Simply let it go and confront them in person. Arguing is already stressful enough. Put the argument behind a screen and you’ve just made is a thousand times worse.

Love is Spending Time Together
 I feel there is nothing like time invested in a relationship.. Heavy work schedules takes up much time and effort, so it is important to get things into perspective. Spending time with each other will let you understand the other person better, help you know them better. I want someone I’m comfortable doing anything with but I also don’t have to spend time with them 24/7. There is a thing called spending too much time with each other. I want to be able to have a girls’ night or go to the movies with friends without it being a problem. Same for my guy. He should be able to go out and watch the game and have a few drinks with the guys without there being an issue. Space is healthy in a relationship. I also don’t think its necessary to have to ask for permission to do something. We aren’t each other’s parents. There is a huge difference between checking in and asking for permission. I don’t want to feel like my guy’s mother. What place do I have to tell someone they can’t do something? “No, you can’t go hang out with your friends because I’m your girlfriend and I said so.” WHAT. no. Never. You can do whatever you want, if we’re in a relationship anyway I trust you’re not going to go out and do something to risk us. Going on to my next point…

Love is Trust
When you love someone, you have to trust them. When you open your heart to someone, you have to trust them to take care of it, forever. Trust means that you have the confidence in the other person that they will keep their promises, be faithful and be there for you always. Trust is a HUGE factor in ANY relationship. Why would I give someone my heart if I knew had any doubt they were going to break it? I read this quote once that said Love is giving someone the ability to destroy you, but trusting them not too. I’m not saying its not possible to regain trust. It is. but its very time consuming and takes a lot of hard work. I hate hearing the words I’ll never leave you because when I say those words I mean them, but most of the time when someone says those words to me they always prove to be false. Love is trusting someone will ALWAYS be there for you. Title or not, they’ll be there for you. They don’t need you to be their boyfriend/girlfriend to care about you. to be there when you need them to be. Love is about being there, regardless. 

Love is Faithfulness
To love means to be true, to love unconditionally means to give with all your heart to one, and only one. Being faithful in a relationship is very important, in love… it is the next thing to trust. Love is when you realize that that person is the best thing that has happened to you and you want to cherish that person and the moments spent with them, till death do you part. In today’s society no one understands the word unconditionally. & That’s what I want an unconditional love . For my significant other to know that WHATEVER they do I will always love them and the same for me . I’ve always loved unconditionally, and for some odd reason I expect it in return. But I know for love to be real you don’t need it in return. Love is selfless. Love is wanting the one you love to be happy. Love is worrying about them, not you. When I realize I love someone nothing about me matters anymore. As long as they are happy. Yes it hurts to see someone I love move on, but they are happy in their life and that is all that matters. or all that should matter. 

Love is Being Friends
Love is being friends with each other. Enjoying simple pleasures in life like shopping, catching a movie or watching television at home. I don’t even enjoy watching TV, but I would if it were with someone I loved. 

It’s not about the holding hands or kissing or sexual affairs. It’s everything else. 

You have to tell them your secrets and keep theirs, be there for each other, and respect and trust each other.
 

I know what love is and I know how to be in a relationship . 

I just have to find someone who is willing to work on all of the listed above with me. 

True love is coming to a million struggles a day, but always getting through them . 

Love is always a test .”

Eating Disorder ;

I'm not exactly sure when it started, but I've been doing it subconsciously. I have been living with an eating disorder for quite some time now. I think everyone goes through those "chubby years," and mine happened to be in middle school. During my last year of middle school, one afternoon I was at Taco Bell with my mom having lunch and I ordered a taco salad. (& we all know the taco salad is a lot bigger than an order of nachos) Anyway, the boy working the cash register, who I might have thought was pretty cute if I didn't avoid boys like the plague at that time, made a sarcastic remark and asked me if I was sure I could eat all of it. At that point I just wanted him to take my order so I could walk away. Did it really matter if I was going to eat the whole taco salad? No. He just kept staring at me and making me feel really awkward, but finally the taco salad was done and I took the tray the salad sat on and went to have lunch with my mom. Of course we enjoyed our lunch, its Taco Bell. & yes, I ate the whole taco salad. Before we left the restaurant, I went to the bathroom. When I came back the same boy who had taken my order was sweeping the floors and had stopped to talk to my mom. I basically flew to the car, and was just going to ask my mom what they talked about. My mother had said the boy asked her how old I was and if he could take me on a date sometime, but also preceded to ask her how far along I was. My mom explained to him I was young and that I wasn't pregnant it was just the shirt I was wearing that made it look that way. (It was super flowy and could have passed for a really short dress.) I said what had happened didn't bother me, and for several years continued to tell myself that it didn't, but it wasn't too long after that incident occurred that I would catch myself skipping several meals to just sit in my room and text. Summer went by and freshmen year of high school started and I still didn't eat as much as I used too. By the end of freshmen year I weighed 115 pounds. Whereas in middle school I was pushing 165. And through all this time it never occurred to me I was losing so much weight. People kept asking what I was doing to lose so much weight and all I would say was I didn't know. In my mind I was never starving my self I just didn't feel hungry anymore. Sophomore year on Halloween is when it hit me that I was a lot smaller than I used to be. I remember looking in the mirror and I noticed my face was a lot slimmer and I could see my collar bones. I remember my mother being concerned because when I bent over she said she could see my bones. I remember if I breathed in a little I could put my hand up under my ribs. I had realized how small I was, but it had never clicked that how it happened was so unhealthy. The summer after sophomore year was over things were worse I had gone back to eating like I used to, possibly more. Every time you saw me I was eating, but there were also days that would go by and I wouldn't eat a thing. I remember finally going to the doctor about it all and they took a ton of blood and tested me for anorexia. (Anorexia isn't just a choice, it can also be where your body won't take in the nutrients it needs) But when the results came in, it said nothing was wrong with me. The very beginning of junior year I got back together with my boyfriend at the time who I had met at the very end of sophomore year. We "dated" almost two years and he never knew about my eating disorder because being with someone for that long had helped me forget about it and I kept a healthy diet. I ate daily. I might not have been eating very much or when I did eat a lot it might not have been healthy foods, but I ate everyday, which is something I wasn't doing before. During the relationship I had gained some weight since the time I had first met him. We broke up towards the end of my senior year and I remember going back to the doctor last summer and I had weighed 125 pounds. For my age and height at the time I was still a little underweight,but that summer I remember I was starting to struggle with my weight again and I remember a remark my sister had said about me looking like I was pregnant. That remark tore me to shreds. That was the second time I had been told I was fat. It may have possibly hurt worse because it was my own sister who had said it and she was having weight problems too. (being overweight for her height) I was still the solid 125 when I started college though. Freshmen year of college came and I was hearing about the "freshmen fifteen" and I told myself that was not going to happen to me because all you ever hear about those fifteen pounds are that its embarrassing. In the middle of first semester I met a boy who I decided would be a good idea to try to have a relationship with. I guess one night he went out to eat with his mother and was talking to her about me or something, and she started to go through my pictures on facebook. I had a certain picture on there that I had a little tummy showing in because of the way I was standing. Anyway he text me asking if I had ever been pregnant, that his mom wanted to know. I said no and asked why and he sent me the picture she was asking about and he preceded to tell me that she didn't believe I had never been pregnant and was determined to find out. This infuriated me. The third time the prego remark had been made. and at this point the woman had already met me once. she had to have noticed how little I was. and she had to have seen all the pictures posted AFTER that certain picture. I was 125 pounds. How the hell did I still pass for pregnant when I wasn't even that 165 pound fat lard I used to be!? All of the progress I had thought I made with my disorder? Down the drain. I stopped eating completely, and when people were around with food I ate very little. I had tons of other things to distract me from eating anyway like a job, all the financial issues I've had to deal with, a boy who couldn't make up his mind whether he wanted to be with me or not and would refuse to leave me alone until he figured it out, the constant worry of being kicked out, arguing with literally everyone in my life, taking care of a puppy who just turned one, and more things I can't post on a blog even if I wanted too. Second semester has come and the very beginning of the term the boy finally decided I wasn't worth the time which made things slightly better. Less to worry about. I had lost my job though, so one problem gone a new one arises. and honestly I feel like this whole semester has been a blur. Especially with my eating disorder. I continue to binge eat. I can't control it. or at least I don't feel like I can. But I've made progress in being able to talk about it with others, where as to first semester; one morning I had to talk myself into drinking my coffee and I never could so I threw it away. That all being said I went to the doctor again last week originally just about my knee. (I have a bum knee and have to do exercises and wear a brace, etc) Towards the end of the appointment my doctor asked if I still had an eating disorder. I avoided the question and refused to answer it. Shouldn't he have been the one to tell me if I still have one? My mom interrupted to tell him about my eating habits and how I always say I'm hungry but when I eat, I eat little to nothing. So yesterday morning I went in for more blood work, FUN! On a serious note though, I think I've just grown to say I'm hungry instead of saying I'm bored. I weigh 135 now though and was told I'm average and healthy, and was complimented a bunch on that, which boosted my ego a bit. I want to try to schedule how many times I eat a day and how much I eat a day, and eat healthy, but we'll see how that goes later. I just felt like maybe if I got all of this out, that would help me a lot. I am fully aware that I'm not fat, so I just want to know why I continue to starve myself on a subconscious level.    

Common White Girl Taggggg ;

 1. Favorite Starbucks drink?

Um, I would def say the caramel frapp . It was the very first drink I ever ordered from Starbucks, but I also really love the pumpkin spice and the cotton candy frap off of the "secret menu" ! I'm dying to try the nutella one.

2. How long does it take you to get ready in the morning?

Honestly, it really depends. If I'm going to school it could take like five minute bc literally all I do is find clean clothes that sort of match, brush my teeth, add deodorant and go! Because with college, sleeping is the much more important priority. But if I feel like looking pretty that day or I'm going out; I would say it takes me about twenty minutes to do my hair, 10 to do makeup, and like thirty to actually pick out an outfit. 

3. How many selfies do you take on a daily basis?

 I don't really like taking selfies to be honest. It just feels so awkward to take a picture of myself. I rather have someone else take the picture while I pose. BUT when I do take a selfie, I take a few from different angles and pick which one I like the most to show the rest of the world. 

 4. How many IG followers and pics do you have?

Currently, I have 373 followers, and 256 pictures. 

5. Do you ever say “LOL” or “OMG” out loud?

I definitely don't say lol outloud but I am super guilty of saying omg . It's such a terrible habit! 

6. Do you wear the same clothing item more than once?

I do have a lot of clothes I've only worn once and will probably never wear again, and I also have clothes I haven't even worn yet. But I have like a select few of clothing items that are my favorite and I wear them close to every week. 

7. Are you racist?

Not at all ! 

8. How many tweets do you have?

3,313 tweets so far . 

9. Instagram, Twitter, or Tumblr?

I have a tumblr somewhere, but I never really use it. I'm addicted to insta and twitter tho, its a problem .

10. What do you spend most of your time doing?

Hanging out with friends, Netflix, & Sleeping .

11. Who are your favorite YouTubers?

I really like Superwoman, krazyrayray, and I'm really liking Ginger Wesson's vids. :)

12. How often do you do your nails?

Not as much as I should, but I try to get them repainted every Monday. #ManiMonday

13. Are you a shopaholic?

YES! There is this sweatshirt that says "broke but still shopping" I NEED IT. I am always shopping, and online shopping is a sin I swear. So addicting. Shopping is most def my cardio !

14. How many times have you watched Mean Girls?

Enough times where I could quote the whole movie for you. I ALWAYS relate a Mean Girls quote to a convo a friend & I are having. Its so ridic.

15. Do you own a lot of clothes?

I def need more clothes for the summer . I have like one pair of shorts that aren't nike shorts, but I do have more clothes than I thought I did . 

16. Do you take pictures of your food before you eat it?

Guilty. But now I only do it, if the food is really pretty looking or something. 

17. Do you wear makeup everyday?

No, bc for a while I COULD NOT find a foundation that didn't make me break out. and most of the time I'm too lazy to even apply it .

18. What are your average grades in school?

I'm not even going to lie, my grades suck right now. I went from all A's to borderline passing because I've let so many things distract me.

19. How do you usually style your hair?

When it's not in a messy bun? I just leave my hair down bc I have really curly hair now so my hair looks okay to wear down natural, but sometimes I straighten it. Or I use a curling iron to enhance my curls.

20. Do you always look presentable?

 As much as I would like to say yes… NO.

xoxo,

Mk