Eating Disorder ;

I'm not exactly sure when it started, but I've been doing it subconsciously. I have been living with an eating disorder for quite some time now. I think everyone goes through those "chubby years," and mine happened to be in middle school. During my last year of middle school, one afternoon I was at Taco Bell with my mom having lunch and I ordered a taco salad. (& we all know the taco salad is a lot bigger than an order of nachos) Anyway, the boy working the cash register, who I might have thought was pretty cute if I didn't avoid boys like the plague at that time, made a sarcastic remark and asked me if I was sure I could eat all of it. At that point I just wanted him to take my order so I could walk away. Did it really matter if I was going to eat the whole taco salad? No. He just kept staring at me and making me feel really awkward, but finally the taco salad was done and I took the tray the salad sat on and went to have lunch with my mom. Of course we enjoyed our lunch, its Taco Bell. & yes, I ate the whole taco salad. Before we left the restaurant, I went to the bathroom. When I came back the same boy who had taken my order was sweeping the floors and had stopped to talk to my mom. I basically flew to the car, and was just going to ask my mom what they talked about. My mother had said the boy asked her how old I was and if he could take me on a date sometime, but also preceded to ask her how far along I was. My mom explained to him I was young and that I wasn't pregnant it was just the shirt I was wearing that made it look that way. (It was super flowy and could have passed for a really short dress.) I said what had happened didn't bother me, and for several years continued to tell myself that it didn't, but it wasn't too long after that incident occurred that I would catch myself skipping several meals to just sit in my room and text. Summer went by and freshmen year of high school started and I still didn't eat as much as I used too. By the end of freshmen year I weighed 115 pounds. Whereas in middle school I was pushing 165. And through all this time it never occurred to me I was losing so much weight. People kept asking what I was doing to lose so much weight and all I would say was I didn't know. In my mind I was never starving my self I just didn't feel hungry anymore. Sophomore year on Halloween is when it hit me that I was a lot smaller than I used to be. I remember looking in the mirror and I noticed my face was a lot slimmer and I could see my collar bones. I remember my mother being concerned because when I bent over she said she could see my bones. I remember if I breathed in a little I could put my hand up under my ribs. I had realized how small I was, but it had never clicked that how it happened was so unhealthy. The summer after sophomore year was over things were worse I had gone back to eating like I used to, possibly more. Every time you saw me I was eating, but there were also days that would go by and I wouldn't eat a thing. I remember finally going to the doctor about it all and they took a ton of blood and tested me for anorexia. (Anorexia isn't just a choice, it can also be where your body won't take in the nutrients it needs) But when the results came in, it said nothing was wrong with me. The very beginning of junior year I got back together with my boyfriend at the time who I had met at the very end of sophomore year. We "dated" almost two years and he never knew about my eating disorder because being with someone for that long had helped me forget about it and I kept a healthy diet. I ate daily. I might not have been eating very much or when I did eat a lot it might not have been healthy foods, but I ate everyday, which is something I wasn't doing before. During the relationship I had gained some weight since the time I had first met him. We broke up towards the end of my senior year and I remember going back to the doctor last summer and I had weighed 125 pounds. For my age and height at the time I was still a little underweight,but that summer I remember I was starting to struggle with my weight again and I remember a remark my sister had said about me looking like I was pregnant. That remark tore me to shreds. That was the second time I had been told I was fat. It may have possibly hurt worse because it was my own sister who had said it and she was having weight problems too. (being overweight for her height) I was still the solid 125 when I started college though. Freshmen year of college came and I was hearing about the "freshmen fifteen" and I told myself that was not going to happen to me because all you ever hear about those fifteen pounds are that its embarrassing. In the middle of first semester I met a boy who I decided would be a good idea to try to have a relationship with. I guess one night he went out to eat with his mother and was talking to her about me or something, and she started to go through my pictures on facebook. I had a certain picture on there that I had a little tummy showing in because of the way I was standing. Anyway he text me asking if I had ever been pregnant, that his mom wanted to know. I said no and asked why and he sent me the picture she was asking about and he preceded to tell me that she didn't believe I had never been pregnant and was determined to find out. This infuriated me. The third time the prego remark had been made. and at this point the woman had already met me once. she had to have noticed how little I was. and she had to have seen all the pictures posted AFTER that certain picture. I was 125 pounds. How the hell did I still pass for pregnant when I wasn't even that 165 pound fat lard I used to be!? All of the progress I had thought I made with my disorder? Down the drain. I stopped eating completely, and when people were around with food I ate very little. I had tons of other things to distract me from eating anyway like a job, all the financial issues I've had to deal with, a boy who couldn't make up his mind whether he wanted to be with me or not and would refuse to leave me alone until he figured it out, the constant worry of being kicked out, arguing with literally everyone in my life, taking care of a puppy who just turned one, and more things I can't post on a blog even if I wanted too. Second semester has come and the very beginning of the term the boy finally decided I wasn't worth the time which made things slightly better. Less to worry about. I had lost my job though, so one problem gone a new one arises. and honestly I feel like this whole semester has been a blur. Especially with my eating disorder. I continue to binge eat. I can't control it. or at least I don't feel like I can. But I've made progress in being able to talk about it with others, where as to first semester; one morning I had to talk myself into drinking my coffee and I never could so I threw it away. That all being said I went to the doctor again last week originally just about my knee. (I have a bum knee and have to do exercises and wear a brace, etc) Towards the end of the appointment my doctor asked if I still had an eating disorder. I avoided the question and refused to answer it. Shouldn't he have been the one to tell me if I still have one? My mom interrupted to tell him about my eating habits and how I always say I'm hungry but when I eat, I eat little to nothing. So yesterday morning I went in for more blood work, FUN! On a serious note though, I think I've just grown to say I'm hungry instead of saying I'm bored. I weigh 135 now though and was told I'm average and healthy, and was complimented a bunch on that, which boosted my ego a bit. I want to try to schedule how many times I eat a day and how much I eat a day, and eat healthy, but we'll see how that goes later. I just felt like maybe if I got all of this out, that would help me a lot. I am fully aware that I'm not fat, so I just want to know why I continue to starve myself on a subconscious level.